5 Common Mistakes Couples Make During Conflict (and How to Fix Them)

Introduction

Every couple fights. What matters isn’t whether you argue — it’s how.
Conflict can either push you apart or bring you closer, depending on the way you handle it.

At St. Petersburg Holistic Psychology Clinic, we help couples understand what’s really happening underneath their arguments — and teach tools to repair faster and deeper.

Here are five of the most common mistakes couples make in conflict, and what to do instead.

1. Trying to Win Instead of Understand

When arguments turn into competitions, nobody wins.
You’re not fighting your partner — you’re fighting for connection.

Fix: Pause before defending. Ask: “What are they trying to tell me that I’m not hearing?”
Replace “you” statements with “I” statements:

Instead of “You never listen,” try “I feel unheard when I’m interrupted.”

Empathy shifts everything.

2. Letting the Conversation Escalate Past Regulation

Once either partner’s nervous system goes into fight-or-flight, logic is gone.
You’re not reasoning anymore — you’re reacting.

Fix: When you feel your heart rate rise or your body tighten, call a break. Step away for 20 minutes, breathe, and return when both of you are calm enough to listen.
This isn’t avoidance — it’s emotional regulation.

3. Avoiding Conflict Altogether

Avoidance feels peaceful — until it breeds resentment. Unspoken frustration always finds another way to surface: sarcasm, withdrawal, or shutdown.

Fix: Schedule constructive conflict. Set time to discuss issues calmly.
Approach each talk with curiosity instead of criticism.

“Help me understand what’s been bothering you lately” goes farther than “We need to talk.”

4. Using History as a Weapon

Dragging old wounds into current conflicts keeps you stuck. It turns every disagreement into a replay of every past hurt.

Fix: Stay in the present. Focus on this issue, this moment.
If old pain keeps resurfacing, it’s time for guided healing — through couples counseling, where both partners can repair what’s still unresolved.

5. Forgetting You’re on the Same Team

The most dangerous moment in any argument is when you start seeing your partner as the enemy. That’s when empathy disappears, and the relationship turns adversarial.

Fix: Ground yourself by remembering: We’re on the same side.
Hold hands during hard conversations. Sit next to each other instead of across.
Your body language matters more than your words sometimes.

How Therapy Helps You Break These Patterns

Couples counseling provides the structure to:

• Learn tools to regulate emotion during conflict

• Identify and change defensive communication habits

• Rebuild emotional trust and safety

• Develop new repair rituals after arguments

Using integrative and emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we teach couples how to shift from attack-and-defend patterns to vulnerability and understanding.

Closing Thought

Conflict isn’t a sign that your relationship is broken — it’s a sign that your connection needs attention. When you learn to fight for each other instead of against each other, arguments become opportunities for closeness.

If you’re ready to change how you communicate, schedule a couples counseling session at St. Petersburg Holistic Psychology Clinic and start learning how to reconnect — even in the hard moments.